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J. Jacques

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TWEETSPAM: BAND SIMILE EDITION [Jan. 10th, 2010|12:26 am]
J. Jacques
Sometimes I get on Twitter and just go off on an hours-long stream-of-consciousness tangentrant. This is one of those times.

• Isis would be that girl who was amazing in bed until she started insisting on listening to nothing but Tool while you banged

• Explosions in the Sky would be that girl who's great in bed, sure, but it's EXACTLY THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER FOREVER

• Future of the Left would just donkeypunch you and then post video of it on the internet

• Deathmøle would be a promising but ultimately derivative handjob in the parking lot of a Wendy's

• Nachtmystium would be that really weird girl your best friend is super super into and you don't understand it at all but to each his own

• Converge would be the really hot girl you hook up with at a party only to realize she is the town crotch and every other dude has banged her

• Attack Attack would be herpes OH WAIT THEY REALLY *ARE* HERPES

• Dream Theater would be the homely chick from theater tech who dorks only date 'cause they know she puts out

• Dream Theater's mom is Rush, who is actually hotter than her daughter in a weird cougary way

• Black Sabbath is the awesome old lady down the street who you KNOW partied super hard when she was young and sometimes she'll sell you weed

• Sepultura would be a guy who completely ignores all erogenous zones other than the vag because they "get in the way"

• Coheed & Cambria would be a guy who you initally wanna fuck but he keeps you up all night talking about HIS FEELINGS instead

• Dragonforce is the guy/girl in theater who thinks they're hot shit and all the nerds fawn over them while normal people can't stand them

• Mastodon would be the kinda redneck guy who is great in bed and you actually really like but you're embarassed to be seen with him in public

• Dir En Grey is the really hot chick you hit it off with but later that night when the pants come off SURPRISE DICKGIRL

• Pelican is the wonderful girl you could happily spend your whole life with but damn if she ain't bad at blowjobs

• Metallica is Lars Ulrich jerking off onto an original Van Gogh forever

• High On Fire is the really hot girl you have sex with occasionally if you're both single and it's always rad and there's never any drama

• Gojira is the amazing guy/girl you dated during your semester abroad but none of your friends believes any of your stories about

• Muse gave you a mediocre handjob and then shat the bed

• Porcupine Tree started out promising but the minute he mentioned how much he "admired Ayn Rand" the date was basically over

• Disturbed is a dog giving itself a blowjob

• Opeth is the guy you're really happy with but late at night you worry about whether he's gay

• Hum is your high school sweetheart who left you in college and then died in a car accident and you still miss her

• AC/DC is a schoolbus driver

• Judas Priest is your uncle who everyone is so much more comfortable with ever since he came out of the closet

• Baroness is the first person in his family to go to college and is kind of touchy about letting his country upbringing show through

• The Decemberists are that group of drama kids who never talk to anyone outside their clique and have tons of inside jokes you don't get

• Children of Bodom is a guy in skin tight leather pants with an obviously tiny dick.


• Animal Collective is that guy you know who acts ashamed every time you catch him reading Hipsterrunoff

• Belle and Sebastian is the guy who writes you a poem on the first date and you cringe in anticipation but it's actually a really good poem

• Don Caballero are that girl who is utterly intolerable to be around but holy shit the sex is mindblowingly amazing

• GWAR is the guy who thinks he is hilarious but is really bad at telling jokes

• In Flames is the guy with impeccable taste in music who secretly has a Limp Bizkit CD hidden in the back of his collection

• Xiu Xiu is the guy who breaks up with you because he knows otherwise he will ruin your life

• Death Cab For Cutie is the guy you had a HUGE crush on in high school but now it's your 10 year reunion and he is a bank manager

• Broken Social Scene is that awesome threesome you had in college

• Momus touched your feet a lot when you were a child and to this day you are uncomfortable around him

• You went on one amazing date with Trail of Dead and then he treated you like shit from then on with no explanation.

• Sigur Ros is that exchange student you thought might have had a crush on you but would just blush and run away if you tried to talk to her.

• Iron & Wine is that guy who was just a little TOO into cuddling.

• Apparat is the guy you'd totally date if he would just cheer the fuck up already

• American Analog Set is really quiet and you're not sure if it's 'cause he's "really deep" or he just "has nothing to say"

• nickelback is the guy who tried to pass off his genital warts as a "body modification, it's all the rage in, like, europe right now"

• Fuck Buttons may not be the smartest girl you've ever met, but jesus christ she's funny and the sex is great

• Wilco is your dad

• Slayer is your dad's biker brother

• Vampire Weekend is a rich kid in a polo shirt OH WAIT

• The Flaming Lips are your dad on viagra and antidepressants

• Morrissey is your dad after he's "finally gotten in touch with his true self"

• Justice is the guy you fuck while fantasizing about Daft Punk



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[User Picture]From: bellaimala
2010-01-10 05:35 am (UTC)
I thoroughly enjoyed this. MOAR PLS.
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[User Picture]From: qcjeph
2010-01-10 05:39 am (UTC)
The Shins are the guy all your friends told you would be PERFECT FOR YOU but then you actually went on a date with him and he was just boring as hell.

And now you're worried your friends think you're boring too.
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[User Picture]From: inversation
2010-01-10 05:36 am (UTC)
My twitter feed was filled with these, but some of them are TOTALLY WORTH IT. :AWESOME:
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[User Picture]From: campfire_light
2010-01-10 02:00 pm (UTC)
I agree with this. Took me forever to read them all when I logged on this morning, but it was completely worth it.

Some of my favorite bands are on that list, with less-than-favorable similes, but I can still laugh about it. : )
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[User Picture]From: cokeacola2006
2010-01-10 05:36 am (UTC)
I bow down to you, Sir Jeph of Jacquesland.
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[User Picture]From: allegratheneko
2010-01-10 05:38 am (UTC)
"Dir En Grey is the really hot chick you hit it off with but later that night when the pants come off SURPRISE DICKGIRL"

That is probably the most accurate description I have ever read.
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[User Picture]From: jounetsu_
2010-01-10 05:53 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: talanhawke
2010-01-10 05:39 am (UTC)
Pelican is the wonderful girl you could happily spend your whole life with but damn if she ain't bad at blowjobs

That was my favorite... that and the last two...

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[User Picture]From: katytron
2010-01-10 05:44 am (UTC)
not gonna lie, this whole list makes me wish Strapping Young Lad actually did write a song called "Oh god she's blowing me and I have to fart".

monsieur drawering guy, you are a funny person on the internet.
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[User Picture]From: jujika275
2010-01-10 07:08 am (UTC)
Have you listened to Devin's "Punky Bruster" album?

It pretty much is exactly what you've just said.
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[User Picture]From: knastymike
2010-01-10 05:46 am (UTC)
How about the Guess Who?
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[User Picture]From: gdh
2010-01-10 07:18 pm (UTC)
The Guess Who is your old uncle who's been happily married with 2.5 kids and a beer gut for decades now but who won't stop telling you about the crazy orgies and shit he had in the '60s.
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[User Picture]From: simonb3
2010-01-10 05:54 am (UTC)
oh god do this
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[User Picture]From: kameil
2010-01-10 05:48 am (UTC)
Tilly and the Wall?
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[User Picture]From: ruta_skadi
2010-01-11 09:40 pm (UTC)
Tilly and the Wall is your friend's cute little sister who you always forget is 19 now until the day you saw her smoking cloves in the mall parking lot.
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[User Picture]From: neovenator
2010-01-10 05:52 am (UTC)
Foo Fighters?

Also, what's your twitter name?
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[User Picture]From: chris_walsh
2010-01-10 06:03 am (UTC)
His Twitter name: very easy: http://twitter.com/jephjacques

You know more now.
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[User Picture]From: alicecakes
2010-01-10 05:54 am (UTC)
Death Cab For Cutie is the guy you had a HUGE crush on in high school but now it's your 10 year reunion and he is a bank manager

And "that guy" is the one who introduced me to Death Cab...heh.
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[User Picture]From: sofitheteacup
2010-01-10 07:21 am (UTC)
Yup, usually how it happens.
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From: tychomonger
2010-01-10 05:56 am (UTC)
What about Pink Floyd, Yes, and Talking Heads? Inquiring minds want to know!
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[User Picture]From: skippyelephant
2010-01-10 07:59 pm (UTC)
Talking Heads is the smartest person you know but most people only know him because they met him briefly at that one party.
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From: ex_memento
2010-01-10 05:56 am (UTC)
Please do U2 for the lols.

This livened up an otherwise boring day on Twitter for me, thanks!
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[User Picture]From: cmzero
2010-01-10 05:19 pm (UTC)
U2 wants you to meet his parents the next day.
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[User Picture]From: twitch124
2010-01-10 05:58 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: a1057soul
2010-01-10 06:01 am (UTC)
awesome... especially the metallica reference. Lars DOES spank it to van Gogh.

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[User Picture]From: talanhawke
2010-01-10 06:01 am (UTC)
hmm... everyone is doing requests. How about Deerhoof? probably too easy...

Little People

Giant Panda

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From: lord_ecks
2010-01-10 06:58 am (UTC)
Deerhoof is that really talented dude in art class who has Tourette's.
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[User Picture]From: ibaranonamida
2010-01-10 06:04 am (UTC)
So good, especially flaming lips.

How about The Doors? The Kinks? The Who?
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[User Picture]From: lewin6
2010-06-25 01:04 pm (UTC)
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From: tokyoghoststory
2010-01-10 06:06 am (UTC)
Even now that I'm home from that bad party, these are still awesome.

Amazing :]!
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[User Picture]From: ithinkstoomuch
2010-01-10 06:08 am (UTC)
My twitter feed was amazing tonight because of this.
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[User Picture]From: sketch_artist
2010-01-10 06:08 am (UTC)
Awesome. May I offer my own?

The Polyphonic Spree is THAT KID in Glee Club, on ecstasy.
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[User Picture]From: hugweed
2010-01-11 11:39 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: gren99
2010-01-10 06:24 am (UTC)
at first i wanted to argue, the explosions in the sky one. but i just couldn't. it's deadly accurate.

the academy is..., caspian, do make say think?

(and i'm dying for a take on U2 as well...:)
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[User Picture]From: that_poison
2010-01-10 07:04 am (UTC)
U2 is the guy you wish you could beat into a pulp, but he was so popular you wouldn't stand a chance if you threw a punch.
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From: cj_crowley
2010-01-10 06:25 am (UTC)


Where do they figure in this wonderful rant?

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[User Picture]From: qcjeph
2010-01-10 07:21 am (UTC)

Re: Royksopp?

Royksopp is the hot chick you sleep with and then immediately get an STD test afterwards
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[User Picture]From: stocktaking
2010-01-10 06:34 am (UTC)
Jeph needs to know about Woodhands

and then make a metaphor about them

they are two dudes, drums and keytar yes yes

(jeph there is a download link in your email)
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[User Picture]From: stocktaking
2010-01-10 06:42 am (UTC)
NoMeansNo is that nerdy kid in high school who didn't appear to give a shit about anything yet who somehow never got beat up and everyone wanted to hang with even though no one really understood why.
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[User Picture]From: tehdamion
2010-01-10 06:36 am (UTC)
what about Stars?

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[User Picture]From: gdh
2010-01-10 07:07 pm (UTC)
Stars is your friend's "girlfriend in Canada" that he keeps going on about and you don't really believe him but then it turns out she actually exists and she's really sweet.
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