J. Jacques (qcjeph) wrote,
J. Jacques

More "bands as people"

Because I could do these forever, more bands personified as people (this time largely taken out of my own iTunes library):

• Weezer is your best friend from high school who you lost touch with in college, and when you finally bump into him again after graduation he has somehow become a total fucking douchebag.

• The Album Leaf gives great head but it otherwise useless in bed.

• The Arcade Fire is the guy you were best friends with before he knew anybody in town, but now that he's super-popular he doesn't even return your phone calls.

• Yo La Tengo are your wealthy, older post-hipster upstairs neighbors who only throw loud parties every once in a while but you don't mind because they usually invite you.

• Venetian Snares is that crackhead on the corner who you secretly love because he screams hilarious insults

• Tortoise is that one really hot professor you had back in college, that you're pretty sure you could've hooked up with (but you're glad you didn't because he's probably boring in bed)

• Godspeed You! Black Emperor is the girl you broke up with after she asked you to act out a rape fantasy with her in bed.

• The Sword is a guy with thick black vintage glasses, a flannel shirt, and an ironic mullet, and yeah he's kind of a douche but he's fun to hang out with so you quietly hope it's just a phase he's going through.

• Radiohead is the girl who was absolutely stunning back in college and you pretend you don't still have a crush on her but every time she comes in to starbucks your heart skips a beat.

• Mogwai is your best friend's girlfriend who frankly has put on quite a few pounds in the past couple years but they're happy so who are you to judge.

• Air is the sleazy guy with a secret goofball heart that you delighted in spending a weekend discovering in between bouts of vigorous sex.

• Bjork slapped you, then kissed you, then fucked your brains out, then wrote a breakup note on your bathroom mirror with her menstrual blood.

• David Bowie is your dad's friend who all your friends want to fuck. Some of them have, but they'll never tell you.

• You will always have fond memories of hotboxing and then making out in Dinosaur Jr.'s El Camino in high school.

• Fever Ray was the girl in drama class that everyone was genuinely afraid of. One day she left a notebook on her desk. You flipped it open to find that it was full of gorgeously surreal portraits of everyone in class, drawn in ballpoint pen and charcoal smuggled from the art room.

• The Fiery Furnaces are a lot like Rich Stevens- cranky and initially uninviting, but total sweethearts once you make the effort to get to know them.

• Interpol got you front-row seats at the opera for your first date but then could only afford to take you to Wendy's every time after that.

• Grizzly Bear is the $500 cashmere sweater you will wear until it literally falls apart.

• LCD Soundsystem really hates the fact that he thought he was too cool to date you back when you were single.

• Low taught you that you really do have to love yourself before you can love others.

• Magnolia Electric Co. is your ex-druggie older brother. You're happy to see him find some stability but you miss being able to raid his stash.

• Of Montreal is the boy none of your friends could stand, and you completely understand why, but you dated him anyway.

• Pavement taught you everything you know about sex and just smiled when you said you wanted to start seeing other people.

• Portishead spent hours in the bathroom, carving intricate spirals into her thighs and forearms with a razor blade. Years after you broke up, you run into her at a party. She is entirely covered in scar-tissue swirls, and radiant.

• !!! just wanted to fuck and that is all you were looking for.

• Yeah Yeah Yeahs are the girl all your friends think is AMAZING she is just so BRILLIANT and FIERCE and INTELLIGENT but as far as you can tell she's just a boring twat with a goofy haircut.

• Sunn 0))) had a huge dick but wouldn't cuddle afterwards.

• Spoon is the guy who picked you up at a show, took you to a great little park you didn't even know existed, and walked you home without even asking for your number.

• Russian Circles was mediocre in bed when you started dating, but by the end of the relationship she was a total freak in the sack.

• You hear Guided By Voices ended up in rehab and you feel bad for being his enabler all those years ago.

• Built to Spill is cute, but it's hard to get him to stop talking long enough to fuck.

• The Wrens hardly ever leaves her apartment, but whenever she does you have the most amazing parties with her.

• Dan Deacon tries to mask his intelligence with goofiness, and also tries to mask his goofiness with intelligence (WARNING: DANGEROUSLY META)

• Nile has great tits but just lays there in bed.

• Ellen Allien only comes out of her shell when her boyfriend is with her, and you wonder how much of it is him and how much is her.

• Uffie is that annoying cunt dancing on top of the bar. You can't wait for someone to throw a drink at her head.

• Hercules & Love Affair was really understanding when you realized halfway through that you're not that into guys after all.

• Junior Boys threw a "cuddle party" that, to your amazement, did not devolve into awkward makeouts or group sex. You eagerly await the next one.

Addendum/how did I forget to put this one on here:

• The Postal Service is that really sappy guy you dated for a year, and looking back you're embarassed at all the public make-out sessions you had with him.

Oh also for no particular reason here is Hanners in riot gear:


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